Christ I Need Sleep
I’m starting to wonder if it’s the drugs, the alcohol, and/or the insomnia that has put me right square in the middle of the most eratic sleeping schedule in recorded history. Am I getting 6 hours of sleep or 9, did I go to bed at 4 in the afternoon or was it 11 at night that I finally went to bed, and what business do I have in ordering 6 gallons of Yak semen over the internet from someone named Sven. And by God was it necessary to ship over night by Yemeni Air, what disreputable avenues of international commerce have I sunk to.
The only benefit of my latest binge into post modernist decadence is my internal clock has become totally in tune with European timetables. In other words I’m up when kickoffs occur in England. With the added bonus of having every channel showing live coverage of the EPL, I’m wired right into the fishbowl that is English football. I was right there in front of the TV when Benitez sent his MIRVs right into Fergie’s airspace. Christ, I thought, all the hacks on Fleet Street will be dinning out on this till Prince Harry is outed as Adolf Eichmann’s spiritual heir. What balls to take on such a sacred cow as Sir Alex himself, knighted by the queen herself, the one man who sits literally on the right side of God himself. The Bishop of Canterbury doesn’t hold the kind of pull that Sir Alex has in England. So what was the Spaniard thinking, is there some sublime stratagem at work here, have machinations been put into play behind the scenes at 10 Downing and the FA? Was the Benitez “rant” the opening move in a series of feints and counter-feints that will eventually result in the overthrow of the crowned heads of Europe, the demise of the EU, UAE, CDC, the British pound, GRU, DGSE, ISI, SARS, the National Reconnaissance Office, and the Disney Corporation? Christ who’ll protect the children!!
Then the drugs wore off, the alcohol slowly began to seep from my cerebral cortex, and I managed a series of cat naps. Benitez basically told Sir Alex to wank off and due to the nature of the British press all Hell had broken loose. Where in a normal civilized society this story would have only garnered a passing mention, every douche in the footballing world with access to a computer has prophetsized an event comprable to the annexation of Schleswig-Holstein by Germany under Otto Von Bismarck. So what have I learned from this? Only a fool would attempt to follow the EPL on a drug and alcohol fueled orgy of informational overload. Christ what’s this receipt for 90 pounds of Soviet era solid state fuel?
