Well it was bound to happen. It had to, there was no escaping the inevitable. In an age where every major player and/or up and coming player is either in the EPL or heading toward the EPL, top tier managers were bound to follow the trail of money. Today comes news that two of Italy’s brightest coaching lights may be heading to England. Carlo Ancelotti and Roberto Mancini have put out strong hints that the EPL has called and they are answering. Ancelotti is strongly tipped for a move to Chelsea, and Mancini could end up in Sunderland.
Of the two the Mancini move is the one that has the Dallas office all buzzing. Sunderland was recently taken over by Dallas billionaire Ellis Short, and hiring a manager with the credentials of Mancini will only further the credibility of the new ownership. As for Ancelotti, his status as a superstar manager is cemented with some great seasons with AC Milan. The only thing missing on his resume is winning overseas and at multiple clubs. Yet is the Chelsea job too much of a poisoned chalice for someone of even Ancelotti’s talents? I for one believe the rigorous training regimen he implemented in Milan will go over well in North London.
Update: Well reports coming out of England now put Steve Bruce as the front runner for the Sunderland job. There’s a reason why the summer is called the “silly season”. Still Mancini’s agent does confirm interest from English clubs.

I hate Manchester United. I just do. It’s part and parcel of bleeding Liverpool red, nothing I can do about it except go with the flow of my club. But would I ever go into vehicular manslaughter territory? Frankly I don’t think so, but don’t ask Steven Cohen this question, or else you’ll be forced to listen to a litany of tired eighties era rants of how all Liverpool fans are responsible for Hillsborough. I won’t go in depth into the issue, except to say that a government panel at the time cleared Liverpool supporters of any contribution to the tragedy. Cohen though won’t have any of that by dismissing the famed Taylor Report. He doesn’t give any specific reasons for dismissing it, but we are supposed to just accept that any finding by the government at that time bears no credibility.
Fine, but what is truly disturbing about this incident is how an American broadcaster on the sport of soccer has taken a contrarian view when the body of evidence shows his opinion to be wholly unsupportable. And in effect he has taken the credibility of American soccer with him. There are now boycotts and movements in trying to remove him from the air. I unconditionally do NOT support such moves, they only create a quagmire into which the sport never really recovers from and they don’t work. But when Cohen takes a viewpoint that in any European football market would be laughed and mocked, it only highlights the status of American soccer as the idiot jackass cousin at a family funeral. While Steven Cohen may not speak for me, the dynamics of media will result in the world shaking their heads and saying, “How typical an American getting it wrong.”. And for this the soccer community in this country owes you a great well done Mr. Cohen.

Well “bonkers” may be an overstatement, for as we all know Europeans rarely go bonkers. They as a whole are a group more in tune with the subtle aspects of life. And today in Rome Manchester United lost the game of their season on the subtleties. Both Barcelona and Man U possess the firepower of a US carrier group. Yet what is so often the case in such games, success on the field was defined by which side was able to most effectively provide ammunition for the big guns. Within the first 40 minutes of the game the midfield of Iniesta, Xavi, and Sergi Busquets were the creative catalysts for a Barca attack that had totally befuddled a vaunted Man U defense. Many will credit the creative duo of Iniesta and Xavi, but what I found highly effective was the positioning of Busquets behind Iniesta and Xavi, feeding that creative duo from the back line, and supporting a defensive four that was largely deputized from players playing out of position. In effect we had a sweeper playing in front of the back four.
In regard to Man U, the sheer horrific lack of any playmaking creativity in the midfield doomed them from the first twenty minutes of the game. Giggs had no business being on the field, Rooney went awol, and Park seemed about as misplaced as a drunken whore at a state funeral. Anderson played his usual Portuguese impersonation of Inspector Clouseau, and no one in the Man U side seemed to have a clue. What was clearly on display in Rome was without a midfield presence to feed your attackers all you have are a bunch of Ferraris without any gas.

By drawing with Arsenal today Manchester United took home their third successive EPL title. And are now tied for most league titles won by a club with LIverpool FC. I for one hope they choke on this win. And Paul I’m gonna drive to where you live and shake my fist at your home like an old embittered and slightly Alzheimerish man. When I go into work on Monday I am fully prepared to fire someone. Life become just a bit more empty today.

Lately the output from the Dallas offices of Soccerati has reached an all time low, and corporate has been busting our asses like a gay sailor on shore leave in Fire Island during the spring.  The unfortunate reason for this lack of productivity lies solely on the shoulders of a member of the royal family of Liechtenstein, and the confusion arising from a crate of wine that may or may not belong to the rare 1818 vintage of Chateau Lafite.  The unfortunate misunderstanding and the resulting raid by a certain law enforcement agency and their goon squad resulted in complete office anarchy.  But what really complicated the situation further was when Johnny Law found our uranium enriching facilities in the basement.

The ensuing shootout further prevented the Dallas office from doing what we do best (On a side note Soccerati would like to send out our condolences to the family and friends of the accounting department.  Their contribution to the cause will never be forgotten).  Yet we must persevere and turning lemons into lemonade is a hallmark of the Dallas office.  So in the spirit of global peace, mutual respect, and blah blah blah, we have a list of demands that must be met before we stop our god given inalienable right for thermonuclear weapons.

1.  Video technology must be instituted in all Champions League games beyond the group stages.  Unless the game involves Chelsea, at which point Didier Drogba should immediately be forced to don a clown outfit and sing the entire third act of the “Pirates of Penzance”.  This last point is non-negotiable.

2.  Sepp Blatter’s 6-5 rule for all European clubs be amended to 7-4, unless you have a Portuguese midfielder named Cristiano, at which point said team is docked thirty points and dropped by two league levels.  We strongly feel this is our most reasonable demand.  

3.  More World Cup tournaments outside of Europe, preferable in the U.S., with Soccerati given exclusive TV and internet rights over all games.  This would also get our bookies off our backs.

4.  Can we please prevent the English from putting out a cheesy ass song about their national team every time they reach an international tournament.  Football players shouldn’t be allowed to rap.  Our apologies to John Barnes and New Order.

5.  African witch doctors be given more free reign and greater access during World Cup games simply because those guys are cool as shit.

6.  Can we settle the whole Pele vs. Maradonna issue ala Thunderdome?  Two men enter, one man leaves.

7.  And finally, Fernando Torres be made Minister of Sexaaaay for Liechtenstein.  We need this to settle the civil suit that started this whole mess in the first place.  

So these are our demands, meet them and a burgeoning world power will drop its nuclear ambitions.  If not be warned that our rocket technology is growing by leaps and bounds in a shed next to a Wendy’s a few blocks away from my parents’ house.

I have a running gag about zombies as a modern parable of an incurable pandemic affecting mankind.  Now lo and behold my flakiness becomes a semi-reality of sorts.  The beginning of the end?  Hardly, but eerie that football has fallen victim to my paranoia.

http://soccernet.espn.go.com/news/story?id=640432&sec=global&cc=5901

Tags: FMF, soccer stadiums, swine flu

MACHEEEEEEEEEDAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!  Little prick did it to me again.

i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to do…and I have to listen to the Tagger… I hate life.

Tags: Chelsea FC, Liverpool

Due to travel restrictions imposed by the UN, Interpol, and the Texas Board of Corrections the Dallas office of Soccerati is prohibited from traveling overseas for the next two years.  So in order to catch all the big games of the Champions League we are forced to watch on the telly.  Luckily for us there is a great bar called the Mini-Bar that is cozy, football friendly, and has an amazing selection of beer.  So with a cast of characters that includes disparate members of the Batfaces, and those I’m convinced are Basques separatists, Soccerati is going through the pain of seeing Liverpool give up an away goal to the Chavs of Chelsea.  That game is still tied, but what is occurring in Barcelona right now to a Bayern side is clearing payback for Guernica and the Condor Legion.  Great second halves to come.

Tags: Chelsea FC, Liverpool

Just when it looked like same old same old with Man U scoring on a Carlos Tevez goal in the 84th minute to take the lead.  Porto storms on in the 88th to score  its second away goal and tie the affair.  And with a realistic three minutes of extra time Porto may just escape here ahead on goals.

Now Man U with a free kick just outside the box, drama, pure drama.  Missed free kick and whistle should blow any minute. And the game is over.  To quote the great Chris Kamara, Porto “fought like beavers”.

Due to circumstances beyond the control of the Dallas office, the writing staff in Dallas went on a horrendous bender for the last four days.  Still not even all the booze in Christendom has prepared me for the sight of Man U down a goal AT Old Trafford to a highly anemic Porto side.  Porto with an away goal in the third minute of the game.  Personally I thought this quarterfinal would have been the least intriguing of the matches.  But wow.  

Update:  Porto lives up  to expectations with Wayne Rooney equalizing for the scum in the 15th minute.  A terrible turnover by the Porto center back, who literally gifted the ball to everyone’s favorite Toffee.  Still Porto has an away goal.  Wow.

Sidebar:  Porto has a forward I believe named Hulk.  Not making this up, his jersey says Hulk.

Yossi Benyaoun in the 91st minute… late late winner… emotionally and spiritually drained right now.  Now I need Villa to play out of their heads on Sunday.  Somewhere in Dallas a business is saved from going up in flames.

Liverpool has outshot Fulham 13-1 and has had four of those go off the goalposts and the game remains scoreless.  If we tie I have every intention of setting fire to a private business ideally owned by large multi-national.  In other news not even the great Alan Shearer may save Newcastle.  They go down to Chelsea 2-0.  And to Paul Tagg, my head isn’t fat it’s just big boned.  Now Steve Bruce he most  definitely has a Big Fat Head, Steve Bruce has a Big Fat Head.

South Korea beats North Korea with a goal in the 87th minute, and the head coach of North Korea gets sent off. North Korea = the borderline retarded cousin who is 100 percent a paranoid schizophrenic one has to deal with at family funerals.  It’s uncomfortable and highly embarrassing, but when they fall on their face soooooo rewarding.  And yes I was awake at five in the morning to watch the game.  Two players sent off with injuries.

Tags: international break, Kim Jong Hun, Korea

ESPN just lost the rights for Champions League games in the US to FSC. Frankly there are pros and cons to this development.  With the increased revenue FSC will definitely improve their coverage of the sport.  On ESPN’s side this may force the largest sports channel in the US to focus more on the MLS to fill the soccer hole that now exists in their lineup.  ESPN cannot ignore the growing Hispanic audience in this country and not have soccer somehow on its channel.  Strangely enough ESPN lost out on a bid to televise games in England itself not too long ago.  Wonder if Rupert is putting a full court press on the Bristol outfit.

Tags: Champions League, ESPN, Fox Soccer Channel, MLS, Rupert Murdoch, Soccer on TV

As a follow up to the post by DA Hasselbaink (love the reference to Jimmy Floyd ), Pele not only took shots at Ronaldo and Robinho, but in the same speech also took a shot at Diego Maradona.  Pele  basically referenced Diego’s drug use over the year. Now the Argy Bargy starts with Maradona accusing Pele of having lost his virginity to a man.  Interestingly this is the second time Maradona has issued such a claim on Pele’s sexuality.  Frankly I love it when legends start acting like twelve year old schoolgirls.  I smell a catfight.

Tags: drugs, Maradona, pele, robinho, ronaldo, sex

There exists within the confines of the Soccerati offices a long simmering and divisive issue.  It is an issue that has resulted in fisticuffs, lewd questioning of one’s parentage, and once the kidnapping of a beloved pet (never let it be said that Soccerati is a mature institution ).  I have never admired the format of international breaks during a season.  I find it disrupts the dramatic narrative of a season, and imposes undue pressures on clubs who are in a relegation or title battle.  The only reason I find myself paying attention to any of the results is to scan the injury lists and pray no Liverpool player has sustained a knock or worse.  Quite frankly there are too many games spread out over an unjust period of time.  Eventually the qualification process has to become more efficient.  I would rather see the qualifying process be compacted to the summer before a major international tournament. Friendlies could be played out during the first half of a season so as to give national managers time to organize an effective squad.  Spreading the process out over months only endangers both club and country. 

P.S.  Yossi Benyaoun injured his calf playing against Greece.  Peter Crouch almost suffered a leg injury that could have kept him out for an extended period of time.  Both players’ clubs are in tight relegation and league title fights.

P.P.S. Emile Heskey injures his calf against Slovakia. Aston Villa loses a key cog in their race to secure a Champions League spot.

Tags: Emile Heskey, international break, Peter Crouch, Yossi Benyaoun

Rick Parry just got the sack at Liverpool FC.  Clearly a victory for the Hicks/Benitez faction, but many will argue no victory will be complete unless both American owners are gone as well.  However at the risk of sounding like a Homer, Gillet may be the real weak link of the two.  Clearly Benitez is a stabilizing force at Anfield, and Hicks has been a strong supporter of the Spaniard for some time.  I don’t believe for an instant Hicks will sell his portion of the club.  According to the latest issue of 442, Hicks’ value actually increased due to the rise of Liverpool’s value, Gillet not so much.  If anything what we could be seeing now is Tom Hicks solidifying his position at Anfield, and given the time he could very well turn the club into the financial equal of Man U.

AC Milan goes down 2-1 but the final ten minutes were frenetic.  Inzaghi might have scored a dramatic equalizer late in the game, but Julio Cesar made a hell of a save to preserve the lead.  Paolo Maldini the best defender of his generation, or any generation for that matter, plays his final derby and leaves with a bitter loss.  Pato was electric and with more experience the chances he creates for himself will turn into goals, a lot of goals.

Pato scores in the 70th for AC Milan.  Time to pour it on.  A mini Istanbul in the works?  I hope so.