Lately the output from the Dallas offices of Soccerati has reached an all time low, and corporate has been busting our asses like a gay sailor on shore leave in Fire Island during the spring. The unfortunate reason for this lack of productivity lies solely on the shoulders of a member of the royal family of Liechtenstein, and the confusion arising from a crate of wine that may or may not belong to the rare 1818 vintage of Chateau Lafite. The unfortunate misunderstanding and the resulting raid by a certain law enforcement agency and their goon squad resulted in complete office anarchy. But what really complicated the situation further was when Johnny Law found our uranium enriching facilities in the basement.
The ensuing shootout further prevented the Dallas office from doing what we do best (On a side note Soccerati would like to send out our condolences to the family and friends of the accounting department. Their contribution to the cause will never be forgotten). Yet we must persevere and turning lemons into lemonade is a hallmark of the Dallas office. So in the spirit of global peace, mutual respect, and blah blah blah, we have a list of demands that must be met before we stop our god given inalienable right for thermonuclear weapons.
1. Video technology must be instituted in all Champions League games beyond the group stages. Unless the game involves Chelsea, at which point Didier Drogba should immediately be forced to don a clown outfit and sing the entire third act of the “Pirates of Penzance”. This last point is non-negotiable.
2. Sepp Blatter’s 6-5 rule for all European clubs be amended to 7-4, unless you have a Portuguese midfielder named Cristiano, at which point said team is docked thirty points and dropped by two league levels. We strongly feel this is our most reasonable demand.
3. More World Cup tournaments outside of Europe, preferable in the U.S., with Soccerati given exclusive TV and internet rights over all games. This would also get our bookies off our backs.
4. Can we please prevent the English from putting out a cheesy ass song about their national team every time they reach an international tournament. Football players shouldn’t be allowed to rap. Our apologies to John Barnes and New Order.
5. African witch doctors be given more free reign and greater access during World Cup games simply because those guys are cool as shit.
6. Can we settle the whole Pele vs. Maradonna issue ala Thunderdome? Two men enter, one man leaves.
7. And finally, Fernando Torres be made Minister of Sexaaaay for Liechtenstein. We need this to settle the civil suit that started this whole mess in the first place.
So these are our demands, meet them and a burgeoning world power will drop its nuclear ambitions. If not be warned that our rocket technology is growing by leaps and bounds in a shed next to a Wendy’s a few blocks away from my parents’ house.
Yeah, David Beckham’s an international celebrity, but in LA he’s just another dude with a nice haircut and well-tanned trophy wife. Or so says a new book by SI writer Grant Wahl.
